1. Hey Kaitlyn. Can you get me an Unsweet Iced tea please? No lemon.
2. Well it doesn't work on me. I'm more of a butt guy.
3. I'm playing poker with a lesbian couple. One of them is NOT a lesbian. Trust me!
4. No. I don't wear contacts.
5. Why didn't you call me to let me know my debit card is frozen because Visa's records were compromised? I heard 'I'm sorry sir, but your card has been declined' three times today.
6. What's your name? Well, thank you Angela.
7. Do me a favor guy. When I'm dealing, keep your hands out of the pot. (poker related, not drug related)
8. No thanks. I don't drink.
9. I wouldn't recommend getting the 100 watt bulb. It's too bright. Get the 60.
10. Why are you dressed like an Eskimo? It's 55 degrees, not 15.
11. You want to go into timeout?
12. I was going to try an make a homemade pizza, but I'm lazy now.
13. I want to rake the leaves, but it would be so much easier to just pay someone. Plus it's cold.
14. In Jesus name, amen.
15. I provide free foot and back massages.
16. I think you're incapable of telling the truth. You're a compulsive liar.
17. Would you believe me if I told you I was 28? Then I'm 28.
18. Let me help you with that.
19. Let me get a #5 with mayo, mustard, and sliced jalapenos. No onions. With an unsweet tea. No! I said UNsweet.
20. She's funny though. Trying to hook me up with girls in the office.
Showing posts with label poker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poker. Show all posts
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Friday, June 4, 2010
Full of Tilt
So in April of this year I joined a Golf League with coworkers. We meet most Mondays and play nine holes against other departments at courses in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. It's pretty fun and I get to work on my golf game. Problem is, I play with the most annoying person on the planet! This guy inspired me to come up with a list of the 50 most annoying types of people. Unfortunately, once I got to the 5th most annoying person I realized I could write a full length novel describing this list and it could take months. I just don't have the time or energy for that. I will, however, share my experience with one person who has annoyed me recently. I'll get to the most annoying person on the planet in a future blog.
It's been awhile since I've played poker, but the last time I did this extremely annoying woman sat next to me. I have to set this up a bit. When I play poker it's normally at a bar in a free poker league. Gambling is illegal in Texas. Anyways, the real Texas poker players drive to Oklahoma and play at the Casinos. The beginners, trailer trash, and myself play for free at bars in the Dallas Fort Worth area. When I say trailer trash, I mean trailer trash as seen on Jerry Springer. There is this one couple; the husband is in his 70's, the wife is in her late 30's and SHE is the one with the missing front teeth! No Joke. I will talk about missing teeth in a future blog. At these free games we're not sitting at the big poker tables you see on TV. We sit at small octagon shaped poker table tops that sit on top of a regular table. The table tops barely seat 8 people so it gets tight. So the last time I played this lady sits next to me and she has the following annoying qualities:
1. She's huge! I have nothing against large people, but I do have something against large people sitting next to me at a small poker table where their nasty legs are rubbing up against my sexy legs for three straight hours during a poker tournament. 'Please shave!'
2. She is still wearing her work clothes. Not the full garb, just the apron. 'We don't care that you work at the waffle house. You can take the apron off and leave it in the car.'
3. She eating and drinking at the table. This is not a big deal at a large regular sized casino table or with a small table next to the poker table where you can sit you food on. But she has her food on the small table we are playing on. What makes it worse is we take turns dealing so when it's her turn to deal she has to move her iced tea and chicken quesadillas in front of me so she has room to deal the cards. 'Next time order a pizza so we can share.'
4. She's wearing a big black burqa. I have no problem with any ones religious views, but damn! It's 100 degrees out and you're wearing cloak. A black cloak. 'You're making ME hot! Can't you wear one of those summer burqa's? Plus you're sweating all over the place.'
5. Worst of all. She can't play poker. 'K 10 offsuit is not a good enough hand to call a reraised pot with preflop.'
Of course, I outlasted this girl in the tournament and almost made it 'in the money', but I was definitely on tilt while she was still in. Annoying!!
It's been awhile since I've played poker, but the last time I did this extremely annoying woman sat next to me. I have to set this up a bit. When I play poker it's normally at a bar in a free poker league. Gambling is illegal in Texas. Anyways, the real Texas poker players drive to Oklahoma and play at the Casinos. The beginners, trailer trash, and myself play for free at bars in the Dallas Fort Worth area. When I say trailer trash, I mean trailer trash as seen on Jerry Springer. There is this one couple; the husband is in his 70's, the wife is in her late 30's and SHE is the one with the missing front teeth! No Joke. I will talk about missing teeth in a future blog. At these free games we're not sitting at the big poker tables you see on TV. We sit at small octagon shaped poker table tops that sit on top of a regular table. The table tops barely seat 8 people so it gets tight. So the last time I played this lady sits next to me and she has the following annoying qualities:
1. She's huge! I have nothing against large people, but I do have something against large people sitting next to me at a small poker table where their nasty legs are rubbing up against my sexy legs for three straight hours during a poker tournament. 'Please shave!'
2. She is still wearing her work clothes. Not the full garb, just the apron. 'We don't care that you work at the waffle house. You can take the apron off and leave it in the car.'
3. She eating and drinking at the table. This is not a big deal at a large regular sized casino table or with a small table next to the poker table where you can sit you food on. But she has her food on the small table we are playing on. What makes it worse is we take turns dealing so when it's her turn to deal she has to move her iced tea and chicken quesadillas in front of me so she has room to deal the cards. 'Next time order a pizza so we can share.'
4. She's wearing a big black burqa. I have no problem with any ones religious views, but damn! It's 100 degrees out and you're wearing cloak. A black cloak. 'You're making ME hot! Can't you wear one of those summer burqa's? Plus you're sweating all over the place.'
5. Worst of all. She can't play poker. 'K 10 offsuit is not a good enough hand to call a reraised pot with preflop.'
Of course, I outlasted this girl in the tournament and almost made it 'in the money', but I was definitely on tilt while she was still in. Annoying!!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday's Distractions
Every two weeks I'm off from work and I celebrate a day I call 'My Friday'. This is the day I am free to unwind, relax, play, be lazy, have fun, etcetera, etcetera. I pretty much follow the same routine every 'My Friday'. Wake up early and go to the driving range to hit a few balls, do any shopping I need to do, pick up the Lil Diva from day Care, catch up on recorded TV shows, and when Mama Diva comes home I go out and play some poker. Very relaxing and therapeutic. Last week was no different, but with a few twists (Distractions). It started at the driving range.
I hit balls at Leonard Golf Links in Fort Worth. It's a very large range with over 60 tee Stations. I got there early on Friday and set up at the far left side just because there is this tree I like to aim at. I was there by myself till I was nearly done with my small basket. One older gentlemen shows up (another brotha) and sets up to my left. This bothered me a little. I was set up at around tee station number 5. There are over 55 stations to my right and 4 to my left, yet this guy wants to line up behind me (left) at station number 2 or 3. Why did he do this? I could only think of 3 reasons?
1) He thinks blacks have to hit balls from the far left side of the range. He was an older guy and maybe he thought we were still in the 60's. Just kidding.
2) He's likes setting up on the left of other men so he can check out their butts. For you non-golfers, by being on my left he is really behind me (assuming we're both right handed). Maybe that's his way of getting his peek on. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
3) He's uncomfortable with his swing so he would rather not have anyone play behind him watching him. The last reason of course makes the most sense. I used to do that. But then the guy starts hitting balls and is hitting the ball great, while I'm chunking shots wondering if the guy behind me is checking out my ass. Next week I'll hit from the far right side.
Speaking of rear ends. That night playing poker, I was in another strange situation. There was a young couple sitting at a table next to mine. The boyfriend was playing while the girlfriend was watching. The Girlfriend had her chair turned around backwards and was leaning her chin on the back support. She was wearing a short shirt and loose jean shorts, and in the position she was in I could see her coin slot. Coin Slot is another (and more gentle) way to say butt crack. All night I was looking at that butt crack. Not on purpose though!! When I had to look at the cards on my table the Coin Slot was just within my peripheral vision. I thought I about telling her, but You never know how someone is going to react. I didn't want the end up kicking her boyfriends ass over that. Things became even more weird when I was moved to their table! I could not look at the couple! I felt guilty or something. (I honestly was not checking the girl out on purpose!) On top of that, the boyfriend knocks me out of the poker tournament.
On the way home, I thought I should call my girlfriend to see if she wants me to bring her something to eat. (Was I still feeling guilty?) That is when the fight started. Not with my girlfriend. Not with the guy whose girlfriend I was checking out (unintentionally). I got into a verbal argument with my Blackberry's Voice Dialing. I have my girlfriends name in my Contacts twice; as Cristina and as AACristina. I added her in as AACristina for ease in texting because it puts her at the top of my contacts lists. Anyway, so I try to call my girlfriend:
Attempt #1
Voice Dialing: "Say a Command"
Me: "Call Cristina"
Voice Dialing: "Call Tinesha?" (her sister)
Me: "No"
Voice Dialing: "Call Kanika?" (her friend)
Me: "No"
Voice Dialing: "Call Stacy Mapel?" (My golf Instructor - sounds nothing like Cristina!)
Me: "NO!"
Voice Dialing: "Sorry. No Match found"
Attempt #2 (I try AaCristina - Pronounced aaah Cristina)
Voice Dialing: "Say a Command"
Me: "Call Aaah Cristina"
Voice Dialing: "Call AaCristina?"
Me: "Yes!"
Voice Dialing: "Call Cristina?"
Me: "I said YES!"
Voice Dialing: "Sorry No Match found"
I gave up on the voice dialing, pulled my phone off my belt and called manually. My Girlfriend doesn't pick up because she's asleep. Aaarrggh!!
P.S. Although my girlfriend is Asian, she does not suffer from ABS (Asian Butt Syndrome). She has a very nice Coin Slot.
I hit balls at Leonard Golf Links in Fort Worth. It's a very large range with over 60 tee Stations. I got there early on Friday and set up at the far left side just because there is this tree I like to aim at. I was there by myself till I was nearly done with my small basket. One older gentlemen shows up (another brotha) and sets up to my left. This bothered me a little. I was set up at around tee station number 5. There are over 55 stations to my right and 4 to my left, yet this guy wants to line up behind me (left) at station number 2 or 3. Why did he do this? I could only think of 3 reasons?
1) He thinks blacks have to hit balls from the far left side of the range. He was an older guy and maybe he thought we were still in the 60's. Just kidding.
2) He's likes setting up on the left of other men so he can check out their butts. For you non-golfers, by being on my left he is really behind me (assuming we're both right handed). Maybe that's his way of getting his peek on. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
3) He's uncomfortable with his swing so he would rather not have anyone play behind him watching him. The last reason of course makes the most sense. I used to do that. But then the guy starts hitting balls and is hitting the ball great, while I'm chunking shots wondering if the guy behind me is checking out my ass. Next week I'll hit from the far right side.
Speaking of rear ends. That night playing poker, I was in another strange situation. There was a young couple sitting at a table next to mine. The boyfriend was playing while the girlfriend was watching. The Girlfriend had her chair turned around backwards and was leaning her chin on the back support. She was wearing a short shirt and loose jean shorts, and in the position she was in I could see her coin slot. Coin Slot is another (and more gentle) way to say butt crack. All night I was looking at that butt crack. Not on purpose though!! When I had to look at the cards on my table the Coin Slot was just within my peripheral vision. I thought I about telling her, but You never know how someone is going to react. I didn't want the end up kicking her boyfriends ass over that. Things became even more weird when I was moved to their table! I could not look at the couple! I felt guilty or something. (I honestly was not checking the girl out on purpose!) On top of that, the boyfriend knocks me out of the poker tournament.
On the way home, I thought I should call my girlfriend to see if she wants me to bring her something to eat. (Was I still feeling guilty?) That is when the fight started. Not with my girlfriend. Not with the guy whose girlfriend I was checking out (unintentionally). I got into a verbal argument with my Blackberry's Voice Dialing. I have my girlfriends name in my Contacts twice; as Cristina and as AACristina. I added her in as AACristina for ease in texting because it puts her at the top of my contacts lists. Anyway, so I try to call my girlfriend:
Attempt #1
Voice Dialing: "Say a Command"
Me: "Call Cristina"
Voice Dialing: "Call Tinesha?" (her sister)
Me: "No"
Voice Dialing: "Call Kanika?" (her friend)
Me: "No"
Voice Dialing: "Call Stacy Mapel?" (My golf Instructor - sounds nothing like Cristina!)
Me: "NO!"
Voice Dialing: "Sorry. No Match found"
Attempt #2 (I try AaCristina - Pronounced aaah Cristina)
Voice Dialing: "Say a Command"
Me: "Call Aaah Cristina"
Voice Dialing: "Call AaCristina?"
Me: "Yes!"
Voice Dialing: "Call Cristina?"
Me: "I said YES!"
Voice Dialing: "Sorry No Match found"
I gave up on the voice dialing, pulled my phone off my belt and called manually. My Girlfriend doesn't pick up because she's asleep. Aaarrggh!!
P.S. Although my girlfriend is Asian, she does not suffer from ABS (Asian Butt Syndrome). She has a very nice Coin Slot.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year, 1st Blog, Old Resolutions
I've always wanted to start a blog, but never had the time to write one. Not to mention I'm a horrible writer. What better time than now though, because the girlfriend is at work, the baby is asleep and it's the first day of 2010!
2009 went by fast! When filling out dates on paperwork at my job, sometimes I still write 2008. 2009 wasn't too bad of a year for me. I didn't get laid off, didn't catch H1N1 (knock on wood), didn't foreclose on my home. I wasn't too excited about who was elected President, but that's a blog for another day. My biggest failure for 2009 was that I failed to accomplish most of my New Years Resolutions.
My first New Years Resolution for 2009 was to Lose Weight and Get in Shape. Around this time I believe I weighed around 194 pounds. My goal was to get between 180 and 185. This Morning I weighed 191. Mission failed! I know I can accomplish this goal. It's not something out of reach or unattainable. I just need to workout and ease up on the food. I have a 24 hour fitness membership ($99 a year) that I never use. Never! As far as the food, I admit I have an addiction. It doesn't help that I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. There are so many very good restaurants in this area. The DFW area definitely does not get enough credit for it's restaurant offerings. I'm rolling over this resolution for 2010. Get In Shape and get my weight down under 185.
Next for 2009, I wanted to improve my poker game. My goal was to just get in more playing time to improve my overall game. Poker is just a hobby to me, but it's a hobby I really enjoy. I played less poker in 2009 than I have in the past 3 years. What happened? A little thing called having a baby happened. With a new baby of course I had to make some sacrifices and poker was one of them. Towards the end of 2009 I started to get back on the felt a little and I plan on increasing that a bit in 2010. I'm not officially going to include Improving my poker game as a 2010 Resolution, but I will always thrive to improve.
This is a big one and the only one I was successful at accomplishing. Become debt free (except for mortgage)! A couple of years ago I read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. It changed my way of thinking. I followed his program and as of December 2009 I have no debt outside of my mortgage. The last debt I paid off was my student loan. It felt great! I don't ever plan on getting in a situation again where I have credit card or any debt other than the mortgage.
The final New Years Resolution for 2009 was to improve my Japanese. This one hurts, because it doesn't just affect me. I have a daughter who lives with her Mother in Japan. She can't speak English anymore and I speak very little Japanese. I visit her every year in Japan and we occasionally speak on the phone. When I visit we do fine because we find a way to communicate. But for the other 51 weeks a year when we are just talking on the phone it's tough. I don't understand most of what she is saying and She doesn't understand most of what I'm saying. In 2008 I tried to take some Japanese lessons at the Fort Worth Japanese Society, but all we did was read through a book. I can do that on my own. I need to practice speaking. In 2009, I didn't do much studying at all. It's tough to learn a language on your on, but I'm going to trying harder in 2010. I really need to find a Japanese person (preferably a male so my girlfriend doesn't trip) that I can meet up with and practice speaking. We'll see. This is definitely a Resolution added to the 2010 list.
So here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2010:
1. Improve speaking in Japanese
2. Get in Shape, Get under 185 pounds (I always lump these two into one)
3. Improve Golf game (My addiction for Golf is stronger than my addiction for food)
4. Keep Blog going (At least two blogs a month)
-Tony
P.S. I'm not a very good writer. If you notice errors in any of my blogs, just let it be. I will not be proof reading them. I will quickly type them up, run a spell check and publish.
2009 went by fast! When filling out dates on paperwork at my job, sometimes I still write 2008. 2009 wasn't too bad of a year for me. I didn't get laid off, didn't catch H1N1 (knock on wood), didn't foreclose on my home. I wasn't too excited about who was elected President, but that's a blog for another day. My biggest failure for 2009 was that I failed to accomplish most of my New Years Resolutions.
My first New Years Resolution for 2009 was to Lose Weight and Get in Shape. Around this time I believe I weighed around 194 pounds. My goal was to get between 180 and 185. This Morning I weighed 191. Mission failed! I know I can accomplish this goal. It's not something out of reach or unattainable. I just need to workout and ease up on the food. I have a 24 hour fitness membership ($99 a year) that I never use. Never! As far as the food, I admit I have an addiction. It doesn't help that I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. There are so many very good restaurants in this area. The DFW area definitely does not get enough credit for it's restaurant offerings. I'm rolling over this resolution for 2010. Get In Shape and get my weight down under 185.
Next for 2009, I wanted to improve my poker game. My goal was to just get in more playing time to improve my overall game. Poker is just a hobby to me, but it's a hobby I really enjoy. I played less poker in 2009 than I have in the past 3 years. What happened? A little thing called having a baby happened. With a new baby of course I had to make some sacrifices and poker was one of them. Towards the end of 2009 I started to get back on the felt a little and I plan on increasing that a bit in 2010. I'm not officially going to include Improving my poker game as a 2010 Resolution, but I will always thrive to improve.
This is a big one and the only one I was successful at accomplishing. Become debt free (except for mortgage)! A couple of years ago I read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. It changed my way of thinking. I followed his program and as of December 2009 I have no debt outside of my mortgage. The last debt I paid off was my student loan. It felt great! I don't ever plan on getting in a situation again where I have credit card or any debt other than the mortgage.
The final New Years Resolution for 2009 was to improve my Japanese. This one hurts, because it doesn't just affect me. I have a daughter who lives with her Mother in Japan. She can't speak English anymore and I speak very little Japanese. I visit her every year in Japan and we occasionally speak on the phone. When I visit we do fine because we find a way to communicate. But for the other 51 weeks a year when we are just talking on the phone it's tough. I don't understand most of what she is saying and She doesn't understand most of what I'm saying. In 2008 I tried to take some Japanese lessons at the Fort Worth Japanese Society, but all we did was read through a book. I can do that on my own. I need to practice speaking. In 2009, I didn't do much studying at all. It's tough to learn a language on your on, but I'm going to trying harder in 2010. I really need to find a Japanese person (preferably a male so my girlfriend doesn't trip) that I can meet up with and practice speaking. We'll see. This is definitely a Resolution added to the 2010 list.
So here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2010:
1. Improve speaking in Japanese
2. Get in Shape, Get under 185 pounds (I always lump these two into one)
3. Improve Golf game (My addiction for Golf is stronger than my addiction for food)
4. Keep Blog going (At least two blogs a month)
-Tony
P.S. I'm not a very good writer. If you notice errors in any of my blogs, just let it be. I will not be proof reading them. I will quickly type them up, run a spell check and publish.
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