The Good, The Bad, and the Butt Ugly (Literally)

I could write a lengthy blog about why I love being half German, but let's talk about one of the drawbacks. I am hairy as hell!! Now before ya get all crazy on me, let me clarify. I don't have hair on my back, hanging out my nose and my ears or anything like that. I just have a lot of hair in all the regular spots. And it grows very fast.

Needless to say, I require special attention in the arm pit area. First of all, I trim. Deduct man points if you want, but I HAVE to trim my armpit hair or a jungle will flourish. A humid South American rain forest type jungle.

Even with the trimming I have sweat issues and require a good antiperspirant. With so many options you would think that would be easy to find, but it hasn't. I have found effective antiperspirants, but there's always a side effect. They either ruin my clothes, don't last long enough, or shed white powder everywhere. Yuck!

Saw a commercial one day for 'Certain Dri' and it is supposed to work for up to 72 hours. Wait! What? Bought it the next day. Here's my review:

The Good: It works!

The Bad: It works too well and if you don't read the directions you will pay for it.

The Ugly: So I didn't read the directions and liberally applied Certain-Dri to my newly trimmed pits. As advertised I did not sweat the entire day. Ok. That's not true. Let me rephrase. I did not sweat the entire day...... from my armpits. I sweat like a mofo from everywhere else there are sweat glands including my exit hole. I sweat so much from my arsch (butt) that day I left a wet spot the shape of my butt crack on my chair at work. I switched out the chair. Someone else sitting on that now. hehe.

Anyway, all is not bad. I experimented with the Certain-Dri and feel like I got it figured out now. When I apply very little the night before, the next day I'm pretty much set for the day. I approve of this product. The guy (or gal) sitting in my old chair probably does not.

P.S. I trim my legs too. Don't hate.

Friday's Distractions

Every two weeks I'm off from work and I celebrate a day I call 'My Friday'. This is the day I am free to unwind, relax, play, be lazy, have fun, etcetera, etcetera. I pretty much follow the same routine every 'My Friday'. Wake up early and go to the driving range to hit a few balls, do any shopping I need to do, pick up the Lil Diva from day Care, catch up on recorded TV shows, and when Mama Diva comes home I go out and play some poker. Very relaxing and therapeutic. Last week was no different, but with a few twists (Distractions). It started at the driving range.



I hit balls at Leonard Golf Links in Fort Worth. It's a very large range with over 60 tee Stations. I got there early on Friday and set up at the far left side just because there is this tree I like to aim at. I was there by myself till I was nearly done with my small basket. One older gentlemen shows up (another brotha) and sets up to my left. This bothered me a little. I was set up at around tee station number 5. There are over 55 stations to my right and 4 to my left, yet this guy wants to line up behind me (left) at station number 2 or 3. Why did he do this? I could only think of 3 reasons?

1) He thinks blacks have to hit balls from the far left side of the range. He was an older guy and maybe he thought we were still in the 60's. Just kidding.

2) He's likes setting up on the left of other men so he can check out their butts. For you non-golfers, by being on my left he is really behind me (assuming we're both right handed). Maybe that's his way of getting his peek on. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

3) He's uncomfortable with his swing so he would rather not have anyone play behind him watching him. The last reason of course makes the most sense. I used to do that. But then the guy starts hitting balls and is hitting the ball great, while I'm chunking shots wondering if the guy behind me is checking out my ass. Next week I'll hit from the far right side.



Speaking of rear ends. That night playing poker, I was in another strange situation. There was a young couple sitting at a table next to mine. The boyfriend was playing while the girlfriend was watching. The Girlfriend had her chair turned around backwards and was leaning her chin on the back support. She was wearing a short shirt and loose jean shorts, and in the position she was in I could see her coin slot. Coin Slot is another (and more gentle) way to say butt crack. All night I was looking at that butt crack. Not on purpose though!! When I had to look at the cards on my table the Coin Slot was just within my peripheral vision. I thought I about telling her, but You never know how someone is going to react. I didn't want the end up kicking her boyfriends ass over that. Things became even more weird when I was moved to their table! I could not look at the couple! I felt guilty or something. (I honestly was not checking the girl out on purpose!) On top of that, the boyfriend knocks me out of the poker tournament.



On the way home, I thought I should call my girlfriend to see if she wants me to bring her something to eat. (Was I still feeling guilty?) That is when the fight started. Not with my girlfriend. Not with the guy whose girlfriend I was checking out (unintentionally). I got into a verbal argument with my Blackberry's Voice Dialing. I have my girlfriends name in my Contacts twice; as Cristina and as AACristina. I added her in as AACristina for ease in texting because it puts her at the top of my contacts lists. Anyway, so I try to call my girlfriend:



Attempt #1

Voice Dialing: "Say a Command"

Me: "Call Cristina"

Voice Dialing: "Call Tinesha?" (her sister)

Me: "No"

Voice Dialing: "Call Kanika?" (her friend)

Me: "No"

Voice Dialing: "Call Stacy Mapel?" (My golf Instructor - sounds nothing like Cristina!)

Me: "NO!"

Voice Dialing: "Sorry. No Match found"



Attempt #2 (I try AaCristina - Pronounced aaah Cristina)

Voice Dialing: "Say a Command"

Me: "Call Aaah Cristina"

Voice Dialing: "Call AaCristina?"

Me: "Yes!"

Voice Dialing: "Call Cristina?"

Me: "I said YES!"

Voice Dialing: "Sorry No Match found"



I gave up on the voice dialing, pulled my phone off my belt and called manually. My Girlfriend doesn't pick up because she's asleep. Aaarrggh!!





P.S. Although my girlfriend is Asian, she does not suffer from ABS (Asian Butt Syndrome). She has a very nice Coin Slot.