20 Random Things I remember saying last week

1.  Hey Kaitlyn. Can you get me an Unsweet Iced tea please? No lemon.

2. Well it doesn't work on me. I'm more of a butt guy.

3. I'm playing poker with a lesbian couple. One of them is NOT a lesbian. Trust me!

4. No. I don't wear contacts.

5. Why didn't you call me to let me know my debit card is frozen because Visa's records were compromised?  I heard 'I'm sorry sir, but your card has been declined' three times today.

6. What's your name? Well, thank you Angela.

7. Do me a favor guy.  When I'm dealing, keep your hands out of the pot. (poker related, not drug related)

8. No thanks. I don't drink.

9. I wouldn't recommend getting the 100 watt bulb. It's too bright. Get the 60.

10. Why are you dressed like an Eskimo? It's 55 degrees, not 15.

11. You want to go into timeout?

12. I was going to try an make a homemade pizza, but I'm lazy now.

13. I want to rake the leaves, but it would be so much easier to just pay someone. Plus it's cold.

14. In Jesus name, amen.

15. I provide free foot and back massages.

16. I think you're incapable of telling the truth. You're a compulsive liar.

17. Would you believe me if I told you I was 28? Then I'm 28.

18. Let me help you with that.

19. Let me get a #5 with mayo, mustard, and sliced jalapenos. No onions. With an unsweet tea. No! I said UNsweet.

20. She's funny though. Trying to hook me up with girls in the office.

10 in 10 - Mission Accomplished! (Kind of)

Roughly 10 weeks ago I started a diet. The goal was to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. A pound a week should be pretty easy right?

From the start I knew I wouldn't have the time or discipline to workout consistently enough to see results so I had to be diligent with counting calories. I hear now that is the hard way to do it.

Anyways, I downloaded an app on my blackberry called 'MyFitnessplan' to help me out. Nearly every day, I kept track of what I ate using the MyFitnessPlan app. Based on my starting weight and my goal, I was only allowed to eat 1,700 calories a day. 1,70o calories!! I can do that in one meal EASY. I can do 2,000 calories in 10 minutes. Not kidding.

So I weighed myself once a week every Monday morning. My starting weight 187. Friends that haven't seen me in awhile would be shocked to hear that I was 187 (actually hit 200 a few years ago). For most of my life though (High school to about 6 years ago) I weighed 155 and was trying to gain weight.

I jumped out the gates fast! After week one I was down to 185.4. This is going to be easy!

Week 2 - 184.8

Week 3 - 183.0 I'm on a roll 4 lbs in 3 weeks.

Week 4 - 183.2 Screeeeeeeeeeeeech!! What the hell? This would be a good time to point out that my scale is not always accurate. I can weigh in twice within seconds and come up with two very different results. I'm thinking it wasn't accurate in week 3.

Week 5 - 182.2 Back on track!

Week 6 - 181.4

Week 7 - 179.2

Week 8, 9, 10 - ?

What happened you ask? I stopped losing weight!! I got so frustrated, I stopped keeping track.

Actually I was still losing weight, just very slow. I think I hovered around 179 in weeks 8 and 9 and I got down to 178 by the end of week 10.

I didn't complete the mission in 10 weeks, but I didn't give up and 5 days later I weighed in at 176.8. Sweet!

Mission Accomplished!

Even though the goal was to get down to 177, my real goal was just to get down to 180. That may be why the weight lose slowed down when I got under 180. Lost the motivation.

Now that I'm under 180, I kind of want to try for 175. 5 in 5 starts next Monday!! (I will have gained 3 lbs by next Monday because I've been eating like a pig).

Ciao!

Message to the ghost in my house

There is a ghost in my house that has been seriously annoying me lately. Since he or she is probably here watching me write this, I might as well address him or her directly.


Listen Ghost! I am not afraid of you. This is something you should now. I ain't afraid of no ghosts! So there really is no reason for you to wake me up at 5am with your 'boos', 'coos', and other strange sounds. Besides, I'm not due to wake up till 530am.

What is the deal anyway? Are you stuck in limbo and need help resolving some issue before you can cross over? Is that it? Did someone murder you and your killer was never caught and you won't rest until he pays for his crime. Whichever it is, I can help. Communication is the key here buddy. Leave me some clues! I recommend a message on the bathroom mirror after i take a hot shower. I figure you could manipulate the steam into words. No peeking.



If I am going to help you though, there has to be some ground rules.



1. No noises till after 530am. I'm cranky if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep. I won't help you if I'm cranky.

2. If you're a female ghost from Asia please do something about your hair if you're going to show yourself. Cut it short, put it up, pull it back, or something. The long black hair hanging in front of the face with the one eye peeking out thing is a little scary.

3. Don't mess with my TV. If I'm watching one of my shows or football and you interrupt the TV signal or crawl out of the TV, our deal is off. No exceptions! There is a reason I don't use satellite.

4. Last but not least, You are not allowed to possess any object or anyone in this house...... unless your reason for possession is to communicate the problem you want me to solve for you. In that case, I will allow possession of any doll or toy with the exception of the Tickle Me Elmo. That would freak me out. If you cannot find an adequate toy, you can possess my daughter. But only for a short amount of time! And not during nap time!


PS: One more thing. My girlfriend says there is a bird that likes to hang out on my roof near the chimney opening making strange noises at 5am every morning. Can you handle that for me? I mean since you're up anyway.

Bitch Blog #1 (Everything Happens for a Reason)

I am not a big complainer. In fact, people who complain often annoy me. There is, however, something therapeutic about getting 'frustrations' off your chest every once in awhile.

So, I thought I'd start a series of blogs where I whine a little. For therapeutic purposes of course.

I want to start off with the most annoying cliche I can think of.

"Everything Happens for a reason"

I hate it when people say this. Hate!

I do understand that yes everything does happen for a reason, but I look at it more from a scientific 'Cause and Effect' point of view. That is not how the quote is used though. Most people use this annoying cliche as an excuse for failure, disappointment, or pain or to try to make you feel better after some kind of negative event. The most popular situation when this phrase is used is when there is a big breakup. You know how it goes.

Girl crying: Johnny broke up with me!

Friend of girl crying: Don't worry girl. Everything happens for a reason. You'll find someone better.

Annoying! Real Reason? You've let yourself go. He found a better looking chick. You nag too much.

Recently a top level potential star rookie pitcher tore his elbow tendon during a game which will sideline him for up to 18 months and could end his career. His response "Everything happens for a reason."

Yuck! Real Reason? You didn't stretch properly. You don't have good pitching technique. You have a weak body.

I know many will say God creates these crises to 'test' you. I just don't believe God does that. I'm not here to start a religious debate though so I'll move on.

To get back at the people that annoy me by saying "Everything Happens for a Reason", I'm going to start using it....in other situations.

Potential future conversations:

1. Where's Princess

Phone Rings

Me: Hello?

Friend: Oh my goodness. I can't believe it. (sobbing)

Me: What happened?

Friend: Princess. She's dead.(sobbing)

Me: How? What happened?

Friend: (Still sobbing) She was sleeping behind my car. I didn't see her and ran over her. How am I going to tell my daughter I killed her dog.

Me: Sorry to hear about that, but EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! Guess you weren't meant to have that dog. Need a ride to the pet store?

2. The Factory

Coworker: (Screaming in agony) Aaargh!

Me: 911? A co-worker's leg just got caught in an assembly machine. It's cutting his leg off. Please hurry!

Co-Worker: Aaarrgh!!

Me: Hang in there buddy.

911: An emergency vehicle is on its way. Is he responsive?

Me: How you holding up John? His other leg is now gone too!

John: Aarrgh!!

Me: It's alright man. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! This was probably meant to happen to put pressure on the execs to build better wheelchair access. You're a hero buddy!

Factory manager: Tony. Weren't you supposed to be on the assembly machine today?

Me: Yeah, but I was running late this morning. Had to take a friend to the pet store.