1. Hey Kaitlyn. Can you get me an Unsweet Iced tea please? No lemon.
2. Well it doesn't work on me. I'm more of a butt guy.
3. I'm playing poker with a lesbian couple. One of them is NOT a lesbian. Trust me!
4. No. I don't wear contacts.
5. Why didn't you call me to let me know my debit card is frozen because Visa's records were compromised? I heard 'I'm sorry sir, but your card has been declined' three times today.
6. What's your name? Well, thank you Angela.
7. Do me a favor guy. When I'm dealing, keep your hands out of the pot. (poker related, not drug related)
8. No thanks. I don't drink.
9. I wouldn't recommend getting the 100 watt bulb. It's too bright. Get the 60.
10. Why are you dressed like an Eskimo? It's 55 degrees, not 15.
11. You want to go into timeout?
12. I was going to try an make a homemade pizza, but I'm lazy now.
13. I want to rake the leaves, but it would be so much easier to just pay someone. Plus it's cold.
14. In Jesus name, amen.
15. I provide free foot and back massages.
16. I think you're incapable of telling the truth. You're a compulsive liar.
17. Would you believe me if I told you I was 28? Then I'm 28.
18. Let me help you with that.
19. Let me get a #5 with mayo, mustard, and sliced jalapenos. No onions. With an unsweet tea. No! I said UNsweet.
20. She's funny though. Trying to hook me up with girls in the office.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
50 reasons why I won't date you
Ladies! Here are 50 reasons why I won't date you. If you don't know me well and/or can't take a joke please scroll down the list and start with reason #50.
I will not date you if....
1. You're a dishonest person.
2. You weren't born a woman.
3. You are 5 or more years older than me. (Few exceptions)
4. You are 10 or more years younger than me. (Many many exceptions)
5. You can dunk a basketball.
6. I have to bend over more than 45 degrees to kiss you.
7. I have to look up to kiss you.
8. I can't pick you up.
9. You can pick me up with ease.
10. You have a tramp stamp.
11. You can outrun me in the 100 meter dash.
12. You have very broad shoulders.
13. You are a professional swimmer. (See Reason #12).
14. You haven't been to the dentist in over a year.
15. You're disgusted by sushi, but are ok with eating fast food chicken nuggets.
16. You like to spend money you don't have.
17. You shave off your eyebrows then color them back in.
18. You overuse cliches. (Example: 'Everything happens for a reason')
19. You have an annoying laugh.
20. You have to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' every week.
21. After we work out together your B.O. is worse than my B.O.
22. You break spaghetti in half before you cook it.
23. You can eat more than I can. (Very difficult to do though)
24. After our first date you're already willing to take your clothes off. (I may not tell you about this rule until the next morning though)
25. You're into threesomes. (Again, I may not tell you about this rule until the next morning)
26. You can't handle the fact that I have close female friends who are very attractive and who I may hang out with from time to time.
27. You think the 'Twilight' books and movies are good.
28. You wear colored contact lenses.
29. You smoke........anything.
30. Your zodiac sign is 'Gemini'.
31. You're incapable of apologizing.
32. You say 'uncapable' when you mean 'incapable'.
33. You think Coke is better than Pepsi.
34. Your idea of a diet is ordering a diet soda with your 2,000 calorie 3-piece fried chicken meal.
35. You think Dane Cook is funny.
36. You think I'm not funny.
37. You try too hard.
38. You don't know how to make microwave popcorn.
39. You get off from work at the same time I leave to go to work.
40. You have a hard time accepting compliments.
41. If having flowers sent to your job for no reason bothers you. (I do that kind of thing)
42. You think you're better than me.
43. You have more hair on your arms than I have on my legs.
44. You have less hair on your head than I have on my head.
45. You have A.B.S. (See blog 'Friday's Distractions 04-2010' for definition of A.B.S.)
46. You were born and raised in England, but don't speak with a British accent.
47. You were born and raised in Australia, but don't speak with an Australian accent.
48. You were born and raised in Eastern Europe and still have your accent.
49. You work at Walmart. (Target is ok)
50. You don't understand that half of this list is just me being funny.
P.S. This list will grow
I will not date you if....
1. You're a dishonest person.
2. You weren't born a woman.
3. You are 5 or more years older than me. (Few exceptions)
4. You are 10 or more years younger than me. (Many many exceptions)
5. You can dunk a basketball.
6. I have to bend over more than 45 degrees to kiss you.
7. I have to look up to kiss you.
8. I can't pick you up.
9. You can pick me up with ease.
10. You have a tramp stamp.
11. You can outrun me in the 100 meter dash.
12. You have very broad shoulders.
13. You are a professional swimmer. (See Reason #12).
14. You haven't been to the dentist in over a year.
15. You're disgusted by sushi, but are ok with eating fast food chicken nuggets.
16. You like to spend money you don't have.
17. You shave off your eyebrows then color them back in.
18. You overuse cliches. (Example: 'Everything happens for a reason')
19. You have an annoying laugh.
20. You have to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' every week.
21. After we work out together your B.O. is worse than my B.O.
22. You break spaghetti in half before you cook it.
23. You can eat more than I can. (Very difficult to do though)
24. After our first date you're already willing to take your clothes off. (I may not tell you about this rule until the next morning though)
25. You're into threesomes. (Again, I may not tell you about this rule until the next morning)
26. You can't handle the fact that I have close female friends who are very attractive and who I may hang out with from time to time.
27. You think the 'Twilight' books and movies are good.
28. You wear colored contact lenses.
29. You smoke........anything.
30. Your zodiac sign is 'Gemini'.
31. You're incapable of apologizing.
32. You say 'uncapable' when you mean 'incapable'.
33. You think Coke is better than Pepsi.
34. Your idea of a diet is ordering a diet soda with your 2,000 calorie 3-piece fried chicken meal.
35. You think Dane Cook is funny.
36. You think I'm not funny.
37. You try too hard.
38. You don't know how to make microwave popcorn.
39. You get off from work at the same time I leave to go to work.
40. You have a hard time accepting compliments.
41. If having flowers sent to your job for no reason bothers you. (I do that kind of thing)
42. You think you're better than me.
43. You have more hair on your arms than I have on my legs.
44. You have less hair on your head than I have on my head.
45. You have A.B.S. (See blog 'Friday's Distractions 04-2010' for definition of A.B.S.)
46. You were born and raised in England, but don't speak with a British accent.
47. You were born and raised in Australia, but don't speak with an Australian accent.
48. You were born and raised in Eastern Europe and still have your accent.
49. You work at Walmart. (Target is ok)
50. You don't understand that half of this list is just me being funny.
P.S. This list will grow
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
10 in 10 - Mission Accomplished! (Kind of)
Roughly 10 weeks ago I started a diet. The goal was to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. A pound a week should be pretty easy right?
From the start I knew I wouldn't have the time or discipline to workout consistently enough to see results so I had to be diligent with counting calories. I hear now that is the hard way to do it.
Anyways, I downloaded an app on my blackberry called 'MyFitnessplan' to help me out. Nearly every day, I kept track of what I ate using the MyFitnessPlan app. Based on my starting weight and my goal, I was only allowed to eat 1,700 calories a day. 1,70o calories!! I can do that in one meal EASY. I can do 2,000 calories in 10 minutes. Not kidding.
So I weighed myself once a week every Monday morning. My starting weight 187. Friends that haven't seen me in awhile would be shocked to hear that I was 187 (actually hit 200 a few years ago). For most of my life though (High school to about 6 years ago) I weighed 155 and was trying to gain weight.
I jumped out the gates fast! After week one I was down to 185.4. This is going to be easy!
Week 2 - 184.8
Week 3 - 183.0 I'm on a roll 4 lbs in 3 weeks.
Week 4 - 183.2 Screeeeeeeeeeeeech!! What the hell? This would be a good time to point out that my scale is not always accurate. I can weigh in twice within seconds and come up with two very different results. I'm thinking it wasn't accurate in week 3.
Week 5 - 182.2 Back on track!
Week 6 - 181.4
Week 7 - 179.2
Week 8, 9, 10 - ?
What happened you ask? I stopped losing weight!! I got so frustrated, I stopped keeping track.
Actually I was still losing weight, just very slow. I think I hovered around 179 in weeks 8 and 9 and I got down to 178 by the end of week 10.
I didn't complete the mission in 10 weeks, but I didn't give up and 5 days later I weighed in at 176.8. Sweet!
Mission Accomplished!
Even though the goal was to get down to 177, my real goal was just to get down to 180. That may be why the weight lose slowed down when I got under 180. Lost the motivation.
Now that I'm under 180, I kind of want to try for 175. 5 in 5 starts next Monday!! (I will have gained 3 lbs by next Monday because I've been eating like a pig).
Ciao!
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Good, The Bad, and the Butt Ugly (Literally)
I could write a lengthy blog about why I love being half German, but let's talk about one of the drawbacks. I am hairy as hell!! Now before ya get all crazy on me, let me clarify. I don't have hair on my back, hanging out my nose and my ears or anything like that. I just have a lot of hair in all the regular spots. And it grows very fast.
Needless to say, I require special attention in the arm pit area. First of all, I trim. Deduct man points if you want, but I HAVE to trim my armpit hair or a jungle will flourish. A humid South American rain forest type jungle.
Even with the trimming I have sweat issues and require a good antiperspirant. With so many options you would think that would be easy to find, but it hasn't. I have found effective antiperspirants, but there's always a side effect. They either ruin my clothes, don't last long enough, or shed white powder everywhere. Yuck!
Saw a commercial one day for 'Certain Dri' and it is supposed to work for up to 72 hours. Wait! What? Bought it the next day. Here's my review:
The Good: It works!
The Bad: It works too well and if you don't read the directions you will pay for it.
The Ugly: So I didn't read the directions and liberally applied Certain-Dri to my newly trimmed pits. As advertised I did not sweat the entire day. Ok. That's not true. Let me rephrase. I did not sweat the entire day...... from my armpits. I sweat like a mofo from everywhere else there are sweat glands including my exit hole. I sweat so much from my arsch (butt) that day I left a wet spot the shape of my butt crack on my chair at work. I switched out the chair. Someone else sitting on that now. hehe.
Anyway, all is not bad. I experimented with the Certain-Dri and feel like I got it figured out now. When I apply very little the night before, the next day I'm pretty much set for the day. I approve of this product. The guy (or gal) sitting in my old chair probably does not.
P.S. I trim my legs too. Don't hate.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Message to the ghost in my house
There is a ghost in my house that has been seriously annoying me lately. Since he or she is probably here watching me write this, I might as well address him or her directly.
Listen Ghost! I am not afraid of you. This is something you should now. I ain't afraid of no ghosts! So there really is no reason for you to wake me up at 5am with your 'boos', 'coos', and other strange sounds. Besides, I'm not due to wake up till 530am.
What is the deal anyway? Are you stuck in limbo and need help resolving some issue before you can cross over? Is that it? Did someone murder you and your killer was never caught and you won't rest until he pays for his crime. Whichever it is, I can help. Communication is the key here buddy. Leave me some clues! I recommend a message on the bathroom mirror after i take a hot shower. I figure you could manipulate the steam into words. No peeking.
If I am going to help you though, there has to be some ground rules.
1. No noises till after 530am. I'm cranky if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep. I won't help you if I'm cranky.
2. If you're a female ghost from Asia please do something about your hair if you're going to show yourself. Cut it short, put it up, pull it back, or something. The long black hair hanging in front of the face with the one eye peeking out thing is a little scary.
3. Don't mess with my TV. If I'm watching one of my shows or football and you interrupt the TV signal or crawl out of the TV, our deal is off. No exceptions! There is a reason I don't use satellite.
4. Last but not least, You are not allowed to possess any object or anyone in this house...... unless your reason for possession is to communicate the problem you want me to solve for you. In that case, I will allow possession of any doll or toy with the exception of the Tickle Me Elmo. That would freak me out. If you cannot find an adequate toy, you can possess my daughter. But only for a short amount of time! And not during nap time!
PS: One more thing. My girlfriend says there is a bird that likes to hang out on my roof near the chimney opening making strange noises at 5am every morning. Can you handle that for me? I mean since you're up anyway.
Listen Ghost! I am not afraid of you. This is something you should now. I ain't afraid of no ghosts! So there really is no reason for you to wake me up at 5am with your 'boos', 'coos', and other strange sounds. Besides, I'm not due to wake up till 530am.
What is the deal anyway? Are you stuck in limbo and need help resolving some issue before you can cross over? Is that it? Did someone murder you and your killer was never caught and you won't rest until he pays for his crime. Whichever it is, I can help. Communication is the key here buddy. Leave me some clues! I recommend a message on the bathroom mirror after i take a hot shower. I figure you could manipulate the steam into words. No peeking.
If I am going to help you though, there has to be some ground rules.
1. No noises till after 530am. I'm cranky if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep. I won't help you if I'm cranky.
2. If you're a female ghost from Asia please do something about your hair if you're going to show yourself. Cut it short, put it up, pull it back, or something. The long black hair hanging in front of the face with the one eye peeking out thing is a little scary.
3. Don't mess with my TV. If I'm watching one of my shows or football and you interrupt the TV signal or crawl out of the TV, our deal is off. No exceptions! There is a reason I don't use satellite.
4. Last but not least, You are not allowed to possess any object or anyone in this house...... unless your reason for possession is to communicate the problem you want me to solve for you. In that case, I will allow possession of any doll or toy with the exception of the Tickle Me Elmo. That would freak me out. If you cannot find an adequate toy, you can possess my daughter. But only for a short amount of time! And not during nap time!
PS: One more thing. My girlfriend says there is a bird that likes to hang out on my roof near the chimney opening making strange noises at 5am every morning. Can you handle that for me? I mean since you're up anyway.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
NFL 2010 Regular Season Predictions
No bold predictions here. I don't think there are going to be any surprises this year except for maybe the decline of the NFC East and the resurgence of the Patriots. You can tease me after the season for my bad picks, but be sure to give me props for my good ones.
AFC East
New England Patriots 12-4
New York Jets 11-5
Miami Dolphins 9-7
Buffalo Bills 3-13
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens 10-6
Cincinnati Bengals 10-6
Pittsburgh Steelers 9-7
Cleveland Browns 2-14
AFC South
Indianopolis Colts 13-3
Tennessee Titans 11-5
Houston Texans 9-7
Jacksonville Jaguars 4-12
AFC West
San Diego Chargers 11-5
Oakland Raiders 7-9
Denver Broncos 6-10
Kansas City Chiefs 4-12
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys 10-6
Washington Redskins 8-8
New York Giants 7-9
Philadelphia Eagles 5-11
NFC North
Green Bay Packers 12-4
Minnesota Vikings 12-4
Chicago Bears 6-10
Detroit Lions 4-12
NFC South
New Orleans Saints 13-3
Atlanta Falcons 10-6
Carolina Panthers 6-10
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-13
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers 10-6
St. Louis Rans 5-11
Seattle Seahawks 4-12
Arizona Cardinals 4-12
AFC East
New England Patriots 12-4
New York Jets 11-5
Miami Dolphins 9-7
Buffalo Bills 3-13
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens 10-6
Cincinnati Bengals 10-6
Pittsburgh Steelers 9-7
Cleveland Browns 2-14
AFC South
Indianopolis Colts 13-3
Tennessee Titans 11-5
Houston Texans 9-7
Jacksonville Jaguars 4-12
AFC West
San Diego Chargers 11-5
Oakland Raiders 7-9
Denver Broncos 6-10
Kansas City Chiefs 4-12
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys 10-6
Washington Redskins 8-8
New York Giants 7-9
Philadelphia Eagles 5-11
NFC North
Green Bay Packers 12-4
Minnesota Vikings 12-4
Chicago Bears 6-10
Detroit Lions 4-12
NFC South
New Orleans Saints 13-3
Atlanta Falcons 10-6
Carolina Panthers 6-10
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-13
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers 10-6
St. Louis Rans 5-11
Seattle Seahawks 4-12
Arizona Cardinals 4-12
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